Posts Tagged ‘Miss Julie’

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Fucking Like Venus: Lucy takes matters into her own hands

April 28, 2010

The title actually comes from a recent search term that showed up on my stats page. I thought it was just perfect, and you’ll soon understand why.

I’m positive I’m not the only one who feels that this has been a very tough month. Not just because “April is the cruelest month.” (Thanks, T.S. Eliot.) A LOT of shit went down in the past couple of weeks, and it’s left a lot of people feeling really raw. The culmination of all the retrogrades and Chiron’s ingress into Pisces pulls up a lot of old wounds, of things you thought you were done with a long time ago, and makes them relevant again. The challenge is not just to understand and accept why they’ve become relevant again, but to deal with them in a different way so that next time (because inevitably, there will be a next time) they don’t hurt as bad. That’s definitely been the case with me, and more so because some of the biggest events have hit my natal chart really closely and really hard, some in painfully predictable ways and some in ways I simply wasn’t expecting, but all related to the same theme. And I don’t know which is worse.

First, there was Pluto’s retrograde. I don’t remember what exactly I was looking for, but on that exact date I looked at my natal chart and made a really harrowing discovery- transiting Vesta had just gone direct on my IC, turning my Miss Julie Complex into a grand fixed cross. (For those unfamiliar, that’s a T-square between Venus and Pallas Athena in Aquarius on my MC with Mars in Scorpio on one side and Chiron and Juno in Taurus on the other side.) The Miss Julie Complex has been the bane of my existence for a long time, so to have something there, anything there, was kind of a jolt. And Pluto is still in my 7th House on my natal Neptune, but thanks to a recent reading from Marina of Funk Astrology I discovered that there is a reason I felt so affected by transiting Pluto- because my natal Neptune actually makes a T-square with my Osculating Black Moon Lilith and my asteroid Lilith, which transiting Pluto is piggybacking on. Then transiting Mercury first opposed my natal Pluto, and when it went retrograde on the 17th, it was opposing my natal Saturn, so you can imagine the kinds of conversations and arguments and misunderstandings I’ve been having all month. FUN. And then there’s Saturn’s return to Virgo- this we knew about, but on Monday Saturn and Uranus exactly opposed one another again, reallyreallyreally close to my natal Sun and Mercury, which they had done previously on November 8, 2008, on February 5, 2009, and on September 15, 2009- so all the issues from those dates flared up again as if they’d never gone away.

That’s a lot. But what does all this mean?

Well, first of all, it means being butthurt and getting frustrated enough to cry. (And I do. Trust me.) Second of all, it reinforces the difficulty I have with seemingly incompatible nuances of my personality. Per Marina’s reading, my T-square between Neptune, Osculating Black Moon Lilith and asteroid Lilith is hugely creative and spiritual, and insanely romantic, seeking some kind of otherworldly love that most humans can’t possibly measure up to. If I let myself admit it, it’s true, I do want that. This idea sits nicely in my Miss Julie Complex with Chiron and Juno, which are enfolded deep in my 12th House, and with good reason- I know I have a lot of baggage around what I expect a “normal” relationship should be, and I’ve learned that the kind of love I eventually want will either take A LOT of doing, or will simply be impossible. The thing is, most people who also desire spiritual otherworldly enduring love conflate that with total lack of boundaries and space, with possessiveness, and with totally unrealistic expectations. That is not what I want. (I mean, after all, I have Venus in Aquarius at the top of my chart. I do actually know the difference between “romantic” and “stalker,” and most things that make other women go “Awwww!” make me go “Ewwww!”) But that is what I get when I put out inklings of what it is that I really want, because many people just can’t tell the difference. So most of the time, I don’t get what it is I actually want. Or I only THINK that I am, because it’s either so fleeting, or literally just someone pretending or being insincere. And it’s massively, massively frustrating.

Recalling the dates of the previous Saturn-Uranus oppositions, they were all periods in which this imbalance was pretty pronounced and causing a great deal of stress in my life. In November of 2008, I’d just been dumped on by Guy #682,496 who had acted all clingy and doe-eyed and romantic but was actually using me to cheat on his girlfriend, so that had me feeling pretty low. In February of last year, I was super-excited about The Philosopher (God, I haven’t typed those words in AGES, isn’t that freeing?), but it wouldn’t be long before I realized I was the only one in that relationship, so that sucked. And this past September, I decided, “I’m in school now, I’m working towards a goal, I’m not going to be with ANYONE, I can be an automaton and I’m FINE with that.” Until I wasn’t. That sucked as well. None of these situations work for me. So I’m realizing, via transit, that something has to adjust.

It’s hard to adjust, though, when my perception of myself in relationships is so fixed- literally, a grand fixed fucking cross. And also, when transiting Saturn falls in your 5th House, it’s not so easy to just pursue your own pleasure. The consequences of those pursuits loom really heavy in the not-so-far-off distance. Since transiting Saturn has been in my 5th House, I’ve been in a few situations that would involve taking huge sexual risks- but every time, the cartoon angel on my right shoulder pops up and says, “But Lucy, what is this TEACHING you? How is this CONSTRUCTIVE?” What should be a house of wild abandon (especially at my age) becomes a house of sobriety. Which ISN’T FUN. OR HELPFUL. AND MAKES ME HATE MYSELF.

I’m always harping on internal locus of control, and how I am extremely opposed to the idea that we can’t affect our own destinies, even with knowledge of astrology. While I certainly believe that I do spend a lot of time trying to control my own life (perhaps an inordinate amount of time, even), I often find myself upset that some of the same things keep “happening” to me- that I don’t proactively make a point to derail a compulsive pattern even as I can see it playing out. So I’m not going to do that anymore. It’s going to be really difficult, and a lot of work, and not always fun. But it will be better than always feeling disappointed, or being made to feel like my needs and desires are weird.

There are a few ways I have been going about correcting this problem, and ultimately attempting to connect better to my needs and integrate what society would like to have me think are totally disparate sides of myself. (If you are the TMI police, you may want to leave now.)

1) Sex with myself. Yes, that’s right. Double-clicking the mouse. Because if it’s true that I’m not going to find exactly what it is that I want in a person right away, it’s not going to help my self-esteem to moan about there not being anyone. But it makes sense. I’m the only one who really knows what it is I need right now, so I shouldn’t deprive myself or wait for someone else to do it. If there is one thing I legitimately hate about myself (legitimately!) it’s that I’ve become so resourceful in so many areas of my life- particularly professionally- but I always have to wait for someone else to validate me, that I can’t even fucking admit that I look pretty most of the time. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

2) Sex with people who actually WANT to have sex with me. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? It’s actually not. A lot of people I’ve been involved with only have sex because they think they’re supposed to, that it makes them normal, not because they really want to. After years of “this makes me normal” sex, it is actually kind of a really mind-blowing experience to have “let’s fucking DO THIS” sex. (To wit: D.H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Different kind of heroine, not like Miss Julie, who I will write about one day, but not here, not yet.)

3) Being frank about this. I’ve been having an e-mail exchange with Stephanie Gailing recently about some of the subtleties of Vesta. We are both unsatisfied with the currently accepted notion of Vesta as relating to “sacred sexuality” and “service,” both terms that are kind of hegemonic, and we think it could go a little further than that. We also acknowledge that since we both have pretty Pisces-and-Neptune-heavy charts, we conflate the idea of “service” with “total psychic and emotional self-immolation.” (We also want to open the discussion up to people who may have different relationships to the asteroid, because seriously, we’re curious.) But with transiting Vesta activating my Miss Julie Complex the way it is, I do see an opportunity for “service.” As I said above, I strongly doubt that I am the only woman who struggles with merging romantic ideals with independence, or with what she wants vs. what she’s been made to think she wants. And as much as the details of my own sex life are private (and I do plan to keep it that way, I’m not about to turn into The Washingtonienne), the discussion about reconciling seemingly contradictory needs and desires and establishing boundaries while still having your needs met, especially for women, needs to be very public.

Quite a post for a Full Moon day, huh?

Although fittingly, I actually do feel much better getting it written down, instead of just stewing in it and making myself miserable. I hope you do too, vicariously. How has this month treated you?

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My bluestockinged T-square: The Bitter Tears of Lucy Von Lucy

May 25, 2009

First of all, I would like to say thank you to Julie Demboski for putting me on her list of top ten favorite blogs right now. THANK YOU! It feels pretty cool to be put on the same list as Chirotic Journal and serennu, whom I love, by Julie, also whom I love. I want any other astrologer-bloggers who read my blog to know that I am learning that much more by reading yours as well.

I had to update again because last night I watched Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant, and it kind of perfectly describes my T-square of Venus conjunct Pallas Athena squaring Mars and Chiron conjunct Juno. (Juno too! Ouch!) For those of you who haven’t seen it, the entire film takes place in the bedroom of fashion designer Petra Von Kant, famous, successful, and recently divorced. She spends most of her time lounging around in bed wearing ugly wigs, verbally abusing her assistant Marlene, and waxing philosophical on marriage and the female condition. Petra seems like she’s actually pretty together and doesn’t take shit from anyone. Then she meets Karin, a younger model, and falls totally in love with her. She’s so smitten with Karin and so all over her all the time that she can’t even see that the younger girl is using her to get ahead in her own career. By the time Karin leaves her, Petra’s morphed into a total hot mess. The film reaches its dramatic climax on Petra’s thirty-fifth birthday, when her entire family is there to celebrate with her, and after sitting by the telephone all afternoon waiting for Karin to call, all Petra can do is have the drunken tantrum to end all drunken tantrums, writhing on the floor, crushing and throwing tea cups, cursing her whole family and lamenting how she can’t live without Karin and wants to kill herself.

Its just like my life.

"It's just like my life."

Ultimately, there’s a happy ending, kind of. When Karin finally calls, Petra realizes she has to just let go- that she wasn’t really in love with Karin, that she just “wanted to possess her.” She further demonstrates letting go by apologizing to her assistant/whipping girl Marlene for being so abusive, but that was apparently Marlene’s bread and butter, because no sooner does Petra apologize than Marlene packs up a suitcase and leaves. And scene.

I’m really excited about this movie for a few reasons. First of all, it reminded me of college, where I actually watched real films and not video nasties and slasher porn all the time. Second of all, it’s always reassuring when you feel a certain way but are convinced you can’t explain it to anyone, and then you see it in a movie and you’re like YES. Third of all, it directly relates to my previously described “Miss Julie complex”- so now I have not one but TWO major examples of high art that validate my craziness. Fourth of all, art imitates life, which imitates astrology, which can imitate art if you’re conscientious. DOUBLE YES.

So as it relates to astrology: my Venus conjunct Pallas Athena on the MC is Julie, or Petra. Very strong, career-minded, opinionated, and slightly intimidating woman. Scares men, scares women even more. Then throw in the square to Mars, which is a conflict of the genders. In Miss Julie, Julie has an especially focused hatred of men she deems lower than herself, particularly her servants. In Petra Von Kant, Petra describes in detail how her ex-husband grew to resent her ambitions and in turn she began to feel disgusted by him. THEN, opposite Mars and squaring Venus-Pallas-MC, throw in Chiron and Juno. That, my friends, is one great big can of worms right there. Julie, in spite of herself, is attracted to men, and she hates herself for it. She sees desiring mutual respect and affection with a man to be a betrayal of her intellectual misandry. Petra sees so much promise in Karin, and so much potential for the kind of love she wanted with her husband, that she totally loses herself in the possibility and is totally blind to the reality that Karin is a total shit of a person. No matter how strong your bluestocking feminist Venus-Pallas Athena-MC in Aquarius-Mars in Scorpio square is, with Chiron-Juno thrown into the mix, you’re (well, I am) always up against this doomed idealized version of a perfect relationship. It’s something I revile and crave at the same time. It’s almost a dual thought process of, “All men are such JERKS, why would anyone want a relationship with one of them?” and “I could only have that perfect relationship if all men weren’t JERKS.”

What to do about it, though? Miss Julie commits suicide, which I am not going to do. Petra Von Kant lays around on her bed, which I do plenty of already, but I have not yet tried it in an ugly wig. I think what I particularly got out of Petra Von Kant is twofold: first of all, I am way better than to let my life feel ruined by stupid idiots, but at the same time, no matter how intelligent or strong or powerful you are, if you care about someone enough, it’s not so far-fetched that you will feel crushed when they disappoint you. It’s trickier than that, even: when, like Petra Von Kant, you know that there can be more and better (like a more equal, more respectful relationship with wide-open communication and infinite trust) and you’re not willing to settle for anything less, it’s as if letting go of the offending party is going all the way back to the drawing board, emotionally and intellectually.

It doesn’t seem like this whole T-square situation is the kind of thing that can be quickly remedied, unless another planet by transit comes along and fills in the gap- which, interestingly enough, will be Pallas Athena by transit when that time comes, at which point I may have come out of the closet. (And then everyone I know woke up.) Some people have suggested that to me, as if by dating women, I wouldn’t have any of the same problems I have dating men. But in truth, it really doesn’t matter whether it’s a guy or a girl doing the disappointing- seriously, I’m convinced at this rate that I could be dating an asexual tentacled rabid pigmonster from the Planet Oort and I’d STILL fall into the same trap of expecting too much and feeling let down when the reality does not match my perception.

The least I can do, and the least I am doing, is just not expecting much of anyone. Even though I’m still stinging a little bit from the last break-up, I am starting to very slowly look around again. But that’s all- just looking. No serious crushes, no major plans for dates- basically nothing to get super-excited about. Because ultimately, it is nothing to get super-excited about. It’s just another person, who may or may not be a total asshole. And seriously, I don’t need that- I can be a total asshole all by myself. Like Petra Von Kant.

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Love, hate: the Venus-Mars conjunction

April 23, 2009

When I started this blog, I imagined that I would probably update it several times a week, at least reflecting on major transit activity and when there was none, abstractly musing on a particular element or sign or whatever, or just posting a weird Cindy Sherman-like self-portrait. Well, in a week like this, that is a highly unreasonable goal to meet, because it’s been a very astrologically intense week, only some of which I can succinctly summarize.

On Tuesday, Venus and Mars were conjunct at 29 degrees of Pisces, which was kind of a big deal. According to all the reading and research I did on this conjunction, it was to be a moment of huge release where relationships were concerned, a simultaneous closeness and letting go. I was tongue in cheek about it on Twitter, saying it would probably involve a lot of sex, a lot of crying, or both. Then again, Tuesday was also my father’s birthday, so I didn’t exactly want to think about those two events in the same instant. For most of the day, I thought about how exhausted I was, because I had been unable to sleep the entire previous night; I had been laying awake, thinking about The Philosopher. I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s wonderful and amazing about him, and how much of him I’ve missed since we haven’t communicated. I’m coming to terms with the fact that once we finally get to talk, the outcome will most likely not be the one I want, and I’m doing my best to just accept that for what it is. However, that doesn’t change how I feel about him as a person, as who he is. He broke up with me in a mean way, but he’s not a mean person by nature. He may not have been ready for me emotionally, but he’s not a cold person by nature. It would be easier to just get over him if he was arrogant or stupid or truly insensitive or pathologically insane somehow, all of which he’s not. Nobody who knows about the break-up seems to believe me, but he is actually one of the single most amazing men I have ever met in my entire life- and anyone who knows me well knows that I don’t throw that description around lightly when talking about men as a rule. All during the Venus-Mars conjunction I had nothing but loving, adoring thoughts towards him. On the one hand, considering how strongly I still feel, it was kind of nice. On the other hand, an aspect like this really inflames my T-square of Mars opposing Chiron both square Venus- what I like to refer to as my “Miss Julie” complex, after the August Strindberg play. Intellectually and abstractly, I do not like or trust men- that is to say, male/patriarchal culture at large and how it has conditioned me to care so enormously about what men think of me- but in spite of myself, I am still attracted to them, and I feel like being with someone like The Philosopher would add this incredible and needed sense of balance and sweetness to both of our lives. This may totally be my Jupiter and Neptune in the 7th House talking, but his being so unlike so many of the other men I’ve been involved with in the past made me want so badly to be the best possible woman (in my own personal archetypal sense of the word, not in a Cosmo sense of the word) I could, and show him in turn how unlike other women I am, and how there was something super-primal and just unbelievably gorgeous to be found in each of us for the other. Which of course made the sting of the break-up that much worse, that there was something so beyond either of us I wanted to give him that he just rejected. I think I may have even said to him at one point, “I thought you were different. You’re just like everyone else.” I really wanted to believe he was different, anyway.

*single tear*

Of course, now that Mars went into Aries on Wednesday, I can’t be dwelling on these feelings because aside from there just not being time, they’re not efficient for that type of energy. Venus conjunct Mars in the last degree of Pisces and then Mars entering Aries the very next day is really fucking awkward. It’s like wanting to be cuddled right before you have to go to work. I had to get ready to leave for another out-of-state shoot, so there were a lot of other things that I needed to get done that could not be expedited by laying on my bed all heartbroken like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations on crack. From here on out for the next several weeks, I have to make a conscious effort to move forward, not only for the sake of getting my work done, but also for the sake of abating my Miss Julie complex. (I could write about Miss Julie for days. Maybe one day I will, but not this day.) I’m glad that I did at some point in my life finally get to be involved with a man who actually inspired so many sustainable positive feelings. At the same time, though, I can’t use him as a reason to hate or immediately distrust every other man I ever come across. (I mean, I was doing that anyway, before I even met him.)

Besides, Mars in Aries is all about new things. It’s starting over and figuring out an entirely new way to deal with these kinds of emotions. Maybe I have to re-evaluate way, way, way far in advance what I will and will not tolerate from a man so that ultimately I don’t end up feeling violated when he disappoints me and he doesn’t end up smashing his head open when he falls off my pedestal. Hopefully by the time I return home from this shoot, some new developments will have arisen, either with The Philosopher or maybe even with a new set of characters entirely, so I’ll have an opportunity to implement a new strategy. I hope, anyway. Mars in Aries is a horrible, horrible backdrop to have left things hanging open.

I have been awake since five this morning, so my mouth is also hanging open. I am going to go to sleep so that I will have energy for the Taurus New Moon tomorrow, and whatever it wants to whack me upside the head with. Probably something beautiful but really heavy and painful, like a Ming vase.

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