Today is not only the true first day of spring. (Yesterday didn’t count because it snowed in New York.) Today is also International Astrology Day. AFAN (the Association for Astrological Networking) suggested a whole mess of ways to celebrate and promote astrology, including stationing yourself someplace public like your local coffee shop to do free readings and mini-charts. I might do it, except I flew into Houston this afternoon to begin work on a new show. I realize lately that most of my excuses for not being able to do anything remotely social or fun begin this way: “I might do it/I’d like to do it/I totally would do it, except I’m out of town/I’m going out of town/I’m working until midnight.” And this may be a bad thing, if the work I didn’t wasn’t entirely made up of things I had chosen to do myself, and of which I am largely in control. Every time I start to get lazy or just don’t want to do anything, I remind myself, “You’re an INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR. You CHOSE these things. You’re LUCKY.”
The truth is, even though I’m not doing anything close to what I imagined I’d be doing when I graduated college, I still chose it myself, and I still worked damn hard to get there. I blame my 10th House stellium, which includes the Sun, Mercury, Venus, and (unbeknownst to me until recently) asteroid Pallas and Black Moon Lilith. Eeee-ahh. In perspective, it’s certainly not the worst 10th House stellium one could have. I have always derived a lot of my identity from work and accomplishments, and it’s super-important to me that I maintain a good reputation and everyone knows I will do an impeccable job. Even if I turn things in late, everyone has to know that it’s because I would rather take my time and present excellent work, rather than meet a deadline but turn in half-assed or incomplete work. It’s served me well- since graduating from college, I have very fortunately never had to actually look for a job; practically every job I’ve had came from a referral.
I think the double-edged sword for me where my 10th House stellium is concerned is the variety of planets in it. I’ve recently started schema therapy, and we’ve come to the conclusion that I have what is called the Unrelenting Standards schema, which is exactly what it sounds like. That’s my 10th House stellium in a nutshell- I am not satisfied unless I am the best (Sun) and the smartest (Mercury) and the most beautiful (Venus) everywhere I go, and as such I push myself tremendously to make sure I stand out. And with the addition of Pallas and Lilith, I can also see those materializing as my need to show everyone that I am extremely strong, more so than I feel sometimes. While I do enjoy pushing myself, and the sense of accomplishment and pride I feel when I prove myself to be a hard worker, or more resilient than people might expect of me, or just really pretty sometimes, I also see how it also at times kind of ruins the rest of my confidence levels. Intellectually, I know that I can’t always be all of those things, but part of me just can’t believe it because I tried so hard. I won’t put up with any bullshit from other people in the workplace, but I turn such a blind eye to my own bullshit- that is, getting angry at myself when I feel tired or lazy, or constantly trying to figure out what my ONE major malfunction is, from which all the others are born. I’m not even going to scratch at the surface of my body image. I’m sure it’s absolutely not a coincidence that both T-squares in my chart include 10th House planets and empty into the 4th House. The universe joins the chorus of everyone I know yelling, “Stop talking about my friend that way!”
I am all about maximizing the good placements in a chart. I think I definitely make the 10th House stellium work for me. I’ve been told that the job I’m about to start is going to be a really crucial stepping stone for my television career, and of course, I’m SO excited about that. I’m finally starting to get used to people who haven’t even met me yet singing my praises and relaying all the wonderful things they’ve heard about me, because truth be told, I know I have earned that reputation. I’ve really shaped my own destiny a lot more than I realized, maybe a little too much so. But I think a mental shift can be made- with things going this good so far, I can trust that only better things are bound to happen, and that maybe I don’t need to push myself quite SO hard, lest I turn into Faye Dunaway in Network. What I think will save me for the next little while is that transiting Saturn is filling in the blank spot of my two T-squares, in the 4th House. While I’ll still get enormous joy out of working hard, I can also find enormous strength from just letting myself be myself, and paying attention to my blood sugar, without any of that additional pressure. Easier said that done, I know, but it’s worth a shot. Saturn is mad as hell (at me), and it’s not gonna take this anymore.
