I’ve returned to New York today from another shoot, and I only have three days until I go out of town again. It was particularly exhausting for me, not just because of the pace at which we went, but because of a rather literal interpretation of the Venus-Mars conjunction in Aries. The thing about astrology that is at once fascinating and frustrating to me is the fact that you can mostly accurately interpret the energy or tone of an aspect or transit, but it will not always manifest in life for you the same way it will for someone else, making it hard to make sweeping claims about what any one thing can mean. This is part of the reason I write my blog the way I do. So while I’m sure tons of people got laid during the conjunction, I had an entirely different (but unfortunately not entirely unpredictable) experience of it.
While working in television, I’ve had the opportunity to work with a lot of really awesome, really talented women; however, I was just with a crew in which I was one of two women. Additionally, I’d worked with some members of the crew before, but with the majority, it was my first time out in the field. When you’re making a television show, especially for the long periods that I’m away, it’s really important that the entire crew is getting along, but more than that, putting their drama aside and accommodating one another so that the show can get made. Often it creates tight family-like bonds, which is part of the reason I’ve stayed in the field, but sometimes it can also create a certain level of comfort in which some people forget that we are not a family, and we are in a work environment, and some behaviors they would normally have while out with their friends are simply unacceptable.
Long story short, some of the men in the crew waited until my other female co-worker was out of earshot to repeatedly make a number of really disgusting misogynist jokes in front of me. This is actually not the first time this has happened to me, truth be told; in many other situations throughout my life (working on crews, at school, at social gatherings), since I was probably in middle school, I have always been that one girl in front of whom the guys have no reservations about being pigs. Things they would never do in front of any other girls are somehow totally all right in front of me, including but not limited to: making stupid dick jokes, commenting really lewdly on nearby women’s bodies, showing sex videos of themselves, making jokes about gang-rape and violence against women, following me into the bathroom trying to take pictures of me, and all kinds of other offensive uncalled for behavior. The difference in this situation, however (and the real manifestation of the Venus-Mars conjunction in Aries), is that I actually had the mind to say, “Fuck getting along with everyone on the crew,” told everyone they were being disgusting and said something about it to somebody in charge. Most of the offending parties apologized to me, and the Real Powers That Be back in New York were very supportive of me, and ultimately we got through the rest of the shoot mostly tension-free, but nonetheless, I still felt really uncomfortable about the entire situation, namely the fact that subconsciously I seem to invite this sort of aggression and I don’t know why.
I have catalogues of things about myself that I seriously stress over, but this one is a huge one. I’ve never been able to wrap my head around why most men since I was about twelve years old seem to have far less respect for me than they do for other women. I’ve run down so many possibilities in my head: maybe it’s because I’m fat and I don’t fit their particular standard of attractiveness, so they’re not going out of their way to impress me? Maybe it’s because I frequently don’t have a significant other that I’m always calling on every break, so I don’t seem to have any “family” credibility? Maybe it’s because I’m vocally opinionated about everything and they see as some kind of challenge to them? I have no idea. It’s hard to narrow down a specific reason when it’s happened on so many different occasions with so many different people.
Looking not very carefully at my natal chart, you’d THINK (you’d only think) that this kind of thing should just roll off my back. I found out recently that I have the asteroid Pallas Athena (which particularly represents woman warriorhood and striving for equality) conjunct my natal Venus on the MC. I have definitely been told that I can initially come off as very intimidating, even though it’s nothing I’m trying to do. But if that was the case, why would men deliberately try to antagonize me? Because the Venus conjunct Pallas is part of a T-square with Mars and Chiron. I’m not even sure how to explain that, but it’s similar to what I wrote about in my last post about my “Miss Julie” complex. Somehow, without even opening my mouth, I am projecting something (I don’t know if it’s aggression, vulnerability, or something else entirely) that makes men despise me- or if that’s a little overdramatic, that makes men feel at ease to show their worst selves around me- and which ultimately makes me feel less at ease around them.
I have considered the possibility that I’m not doing anything wrong except going about my business, and most men are insecure jerks. However, I’ll probably never be able to escape working with them, and I wouldn’t even want to do that anyway. I just find it unfortunate that I seem to bring out the absolute worst in them, which bodes ill for all aspects of my life, not just professionally. It’s also unfortunate that what could have been a really empowering aspect by itself (Venus conjunct Pallas on the MC) is seriously impared by tons of other astro-baggage. I guess that’s what makes it interesting, but what a mess to pick through.
I don’t mind being powerful or opinionated. What I mind is having to feel like a liability for it. And getting the short end of otherwise really strong and potentially positive aspects. But on the upside, I’m so glad that I’ve started tracking them this way. It puts everything into so much larger perspective.
